Fostering Equality and Unity

Homework 

1. Read Chapter 3 on Fostering Equality and Unity
2. Think about (maybe jot down) some concepts from our class so far that have been useful to you or your relationship.
3. Have a conversation about the value you place on the role you and your partner play.  For example, what does it mean to you that your partner goes to work every day?  What does it mean to you that your partner stays home with the children?
4. Are you controlling?  Think about how you have attempted to control your partner and make a list of ways that you have tried to get your way.  Have you tried shaming? sulking? withdrawing? insulting? criticism? contempt?

Class Topics

Tonight we talked about how marriage allows us to combine two lives to be more whole.  We have the opportunity to experience richer fulfillment when we work together to accomplish our goals.

We took a short quiz about who decides.  The link is here.  If there were areas of disagreement, make a point of having a conversation about your differences.

Here is a link to the equality survey.    This is another opportunity to notice and discuss differences you and your partner have or perceive regarding how responsibilities are shared.  Take the time to have the conversations needed to increase unity and mutual respect.

Homework week of 2/29/16

The homework this week is to: watch the video "it's not about the nail" with your partner, read the two handouts, and be prepared to have a feedback loop or response privately with your spouse during class.

Shamu http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?ex=1169438400&en=3edcee0d461222fa&ei=5087&excamp=mkt_shamu&_r=2&

Those aren't Fighting Words http://mobile.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?referer=

It's Not About the Nail http://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg 

Feedback Loop

The Power of the Feedback Loop

So far our class theme of Seek to Understand Rather Than to be Understood has been used to remind us to really listen to our partner.  The theme takes on a new meaning as we introduce the feedback loop because it is a tool to help us understand our own feelings and needs better.  This tool also helps us develop tolerance for holding our partner's feelings.  Holding someone else's feelings means sitting with the discomfort of not fixing how they are feeling, not arguing, disagreeing or dismissing.   During class tonight a few of you shared, "my partner will be so excited that all s/he has to say is 'thank you'!"  This reaction has to do with fear of being dismissed.  The feedback loop is not about dismissing!  It is about really and deeply listening and hearing.

Sometimes when we receive a message from our partner we feel defensive and we want to respond.  In the example Todd shared about the air conditioning it would be reasonable for me to want to explain my reasons for turning on the AC or I might want to tell him he's overreacting.  The feedback loop helps us break this pattern.  Instead of starting a fight, we don't.  Instead of dismissing what is said, we listen to the deeper meanings and really hear.  This gives our partner a gift of accepting them as they are.

If used correctly, the feedback loop has powerful results.  Considering that most of us simultaneously crave and fear emotional intimacy, using this tool is both exciting and terrifying.  It can help us develop or deepen trust, emotional security and more intimate communication.  In relationships with any type of codependency it will help us to become more fully independent and thereby capable of a richer and deeper mature love.  

This week I invite you to give it a try.

Homework

During the next week, each partner should attempt to use the feedback loop at least once as it is written.  Most importantly, sit with your discomfort of not being allowed to reply for a full 24 hours.  Just this one time the only deviation from the written feedback loop that you can make is, "Thank you for trusting me with this important information."

Class Schedule

Next week and the following week Todd will lead the group discussion during the Sunday School hour.  Part of that discussion will be reporting on your experience with the feedback loop.

On March 13 we will have our next dinner session at our house.  

March 20 we will not have a formal class because it is Spring Break.

We are still set to finish up classes by the end of April.

Love Language

If you do a google search you will find lots of hits for Love Language Quiz.  I am linking this one because - although the website is quite silly - it includes an explanation of what the languages mean that doesn't require you reading several books.  

The Antidote to the Four Horsemen

Homework

1. Work on one or two of the communication techniques listed below during the week.

2. Write down and then compliment and/or offer genuine praise to your partner once each day.  Notice if it feels different for you to tell them the nice things you're observing compared to last week when you didn't tell them.  How does it feel for you to receive praise each day vs. once at the end of the week?

Communication Techniques

• Be interested and attentive (put the phone down).  Remember, just because you think you are interested and attentive, doesn't mean your partner views your behavior the same way.  Ask for and listen to your partner's feedback.
• maintain eye contact
• nod your head 
• mirror your partner's body language (if appropriate)
• Ask questions.  Show that you are noticing your partner: "You seem upset, is something bothering you?"  "Lately I've seen you come home and go straight to bed, have you been feeling differently?"
• Listen actively - ask follow up questions, show interest, avoid interrupting
• Share intentions - Make it clear that the reason you are bringing up a particular topic is because you want to strengthen your connection to your partner.  Or perhaps you want to resolve an issue that is impacting your parenting.  A statement like, "I need to bring up a tough topic for us (perhaps finances, sex and intimacy, in-laws, parenting) because I think talking about it will help us work together better as a team.  Or, I need to say this because I notice I have a lot of feelings about it.  I want to share it with you instead of holding on to my anger.
• Use "I" statements - we will practice this more in class, but the key is not blaming the other person.  Avoid, "you always" and "you never"
• Speak non-defensively and agree with the truth.  When our faults are pointed out it is often a natural reaction to defend ourselves.   This key technique suggests that we agree with the truth when we hear it.  This might start simply: "I hadn't thought of it that way."  "I see what you're saying and I need to consider it."  "You're right, and I can see I need to work on this."
• Give honest praise.  (See homework item 2)
• Clearly state preferences - this is different from "sharing intentions."  This means knowing what you want from the conversation.  Would you like the conversation to lead to a hug, a listening ear, both?  A sense of closeness, to blow off steam, help solving a problem, action?  Would you like to know the point of the conversation up front?  Would you prefer to be connected with and praised a bit before being asked for a favor?  Take the time to get clear on what you want: if you don't know, your partner won't know either.

Communication and other Good Stuff

Thanks for making time to attend this week's class and potluck.  It really helps to have more than 30 minutes for a class.  Thank you also for sharing so honestly and openly.  I hope you benefitted from hearing others share their experiences.  In particular, I hope you noticed that we all have similar struggles and challenges despite the number of years we've been married.

Creating a Loving Environment with Communication

Communicating with love dovetails beautifully with what we have been discussing about anger hiding a deeper truth, hurt or feeling.  Communication is the means by which we excavate the deeper levels of meaning and share them with each other.  Communication can create safety or insecurity.  In a safe environment we can explore deeper feelings while in an unsafe environment we reinforce the patterns and grooves that most of us are trying to break.

Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse

John Gottman discovered what he calls Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse: Criticism, Conflict, Defensiveness, Stonewalling.  We talked about these tonight and most of us identified a few of these that we use regularly or even infrequently.  We may use these to cover the deeper feelings of hurt, to protect ourselves from the harm we perceive is coming our way, or just out of habit.  Some of us learned these behaviors from our parents or our spouses.  The obvious ways to combat these include identifying 1) that we are using them, 2) why we are using them, and/or 3) what these behaviors are doing for us.  Less obvious strategies include focusing on the positive in our relationships, and remembering what we love about our partners.

Positive to Negative Interactions: An Ideal Ratio

Gottman also found that a ratio of 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction was an indicator of a positive and successful base for a relationship.  As we discussed this evening, there are times when we say something that our partner perceives as a criticism (or other negative) even though that was not our intent.  Honest communication - not feigned or passive/aggressive or behaving like a doormat or with resentment - is the way we express what we want.  It is the way we convey how we feel when we hear something that might not be meant to harm.  This is where "bids for connection" come in.  Is your partner asking for an emotional, physical or spiritual connection?  Are you ignoring it or just not seeing it?  We are responsible to know what we want and communicate it.  As I shared earlier, part of the reason I married was to become a better person - I can't do this alone.  Allow your partner to help you identify and articulate what you want.  This is called accepting influence, and it is another of Gottman's keys to successful relationships.

If, for example, our partner is nagging or repeating a message over and over again it is likely that our partner feels like s/he is not being heard.  Think of ways to break this pattern of communicating.  Remember our goal is to understand (not to be understood).   How can you pause your agenda and emotionally connect with your partner?

Also, be careful not to get lost in the details of the story: the answer is not in the details.  Think about it, most of your arguments are different versions of the same concerns.  Nurture and attend to the feelings that lie beneath the iceberg and the pattern will shift.

Homework

This week we will be making a list (digital or written) of our positive observations of our partner's behavior or essence or being.  Any positive thought, feeling or observation should be written down - a minimum of two per day.  Do not share this with your partner during the week, but bring the list to class with you next Sunday.

Class Business

Our next dinner meeting will be held on Sunday, February 14, 2016.  

I have changed the settings on the blog to allow comments and access to all with a minimum of fuss.  Please test out the comment function and text me if it doesn't work.  

What lies beneath the anger? (Homework for January 31, 2016)

Anger and the Iceberg

Sometimes anger is what rests at the top of an iceberg of emotions.  Beneath the ocean of our emotional existence many other feelings dwell.  Some of those feelings - such as jealousy, vulnerability, powerlessness, worthlessness, depression, fear, sadness - are so uncomfortable or unfamiliar to us that we make an effort to avoid them.  Many of us were, in fact, taught to avoid or ignore them because those around us didn't know what to do with them either.

We learned from the Eight Basic Emotions chart that Anger is felt as energy throughout the body. What better emotion to channel when we are overwhelmed by a heavier/draining emotion such as sadness or depression?

As you consider your personal anger it is incredibly valuable to identify the source - the bottom of the iceberg, as it were.  By identifying the truer feeling behind the angry behaviors we can learn to soothe, reassure and heal the parts of us that hurt.

Image taken from this website 

Personal Example

In our marriage there have been times when we have been startled by a reaction to a seemingly benign statement.  For example: a few years ago our good friends moved to China to work for three years.  I miss them and wanted to maintain the friendship by showing our willingness to visit them.  While I've not ever wanted to go to China, I thought it might be worth trying since we had friends there.  I also thought Todd might be interested in seeing that part of the world.  Factor in that Todd and I like to travel and every few years we take a big trip.  So I said, "Todd, would you ever be interested in going to Shanghai to visit our friends?"  I'm not sure what the timing was - we were probably driving in the car somewhere.  Todd bristled.  He was silent for a beat or two and then said something like, "yeah, us and the Rockefellers."  Then I got mad because Todd always (we will talk about the word ALWAYS later) thinks I'm trying to spend HIS money (we will talk about that skewed statement too).

As we employed our marriage class tools we realized that Todd was feeling "less than" when he reacted defensively (with anger dressed as passive aggression).  He took my question as evidence that he doesn't make enough money and evidence that I am dissatisfied with and callous to our financial reality.

This awareness allowed us to talk about his feelings, my feelings, and the truth.  As we sought to understand the other person (as well as our own personal feelings), we were able to talk about the real issue, which is not a trip to China, but our views and expectations of our financial landscape.

Homework

This week your homework is to find one moment (minimum) when your feelings of anger (remember that anger is often a range of feelings that may start with aggravation or resentment and end with rage) are employed to protect a feeling that you wish you didn't have (see the list in the first paragraph above).

Also, I shared a handout with you and would love for you to fill that out to identify resources for coping with emotions and reining in unwanted angry feelings.

Please read Chapter 2 of the class manual.

External Validation

In addition to the link under the image above, here is another external link about anger and the iceberg, it's not that great, but I feel validated!!
__________________________________________

Class Business

Sunday we will meet at 6:30pm and move into the Communication section of class.  In this new section we will learn valuable tools for connecting with our partner and children as well as ways to better navigate the emotional icebergs we have been discussing.

I will make pork carnitas.  Bring a side dish (corn tortillas, grated cheese, salad?) or dessert or drink...if you want to list what you'll bring in the comments section below, that would be awesome.

Homework Due 24 January 2016

This week we talked about anger.  

The manual has several excellent ideas for handling anger in Chapter 4.   The key ideas are 1) Diffuse anger provoking thoughts, 2) Get out of anger provoking situations, 3) Identify and engage in calming activities, 4) Share underlying feelings, 5) Seek spiritual change.  

All of these are useful tools and can be engaged as needed.  It is important however to be wary of relying too heavily on just one of these tools.  For example, if we always duck out of situations where anger is rising, we miss opportunities to learn about and heal the feelings that underlie anger.  We may also lose the gift of humility that comes from learning to rely on the Spirit for change.  

At the end of class today we spoke briefly about the likelihood that there are often tender feelings at play when strong emotions like anger or hurt emerge.  As we learn to recognize these feelings we are better equipped to connect more fully with ourselves and with our partners.  

Imagine what would happen if you were able to say, "I am feeling vulnerable right now" instead of, "you don't love me and I'm sick of your behavior."  We will be exploring this in the coming weeks.

Some examples of these tender feelings include: vulnerability, fear of rejection/not being good enough, feelings of worthlessness (this might be shame and it takes many forms), disappointment, sadness...what tender feelings are you protecting?

Keep in mind the class theme of seeking to understand instead of trying to be understood.  Are you listening?

The homework is:

• Consider the Venn diagrams that Todd shared today.  Todd asked how we want to intersect with our partners.  This is the conversation we need to have with each other this week: how much do  we want to intersect on issues such as finances, intimacy, parenting, recreation, socializing... 
• Use the Anger Log and the Anger Cycle worksheet to more fully explore your anger (or other strong feelings).
• Take some time to think about what tender feelings you might be protecting with stronger and more acceptable emotions.
• Read Chapter 4 if you haven't
• Complete and turn in your assessments if you haven't