Feedback Loop

The Power of the Feedback Loop

So far our class theme of Seek to Understand Rather Than to be Understood has been used to remind us to really listen to our partner.  The theme takes on a new meaning as we introduce the feedback loop because it is a tool to help us understand our own feelings and needs better.  This tool also helps us develop tolerance for holding our partner's feelings.  Holding someone else's feelings means sitting with the discomfort of not fixing how they are feeling, not arguing, disagreeing or dismissing.   During class tonight a few of you shared, "my partner will be so excited that all s/he has to say is 'thank you'!"  This reaction has to do with fear of being dismissed.  The feedback loop is not about dismissing!  It is about really and deeply listening and hearing.

Sometimes when we receive a message from our partner we feel defensive and we want to respond.  In the example Todd shared about the air conditioning it would be reasonable for me to want to explain my reasons for turning on the AC or I might want to tell him he's overreacting.  The feedback loop helps us break this pattern.  Instead of starting a fight, we don't.  Instead of dismissing what is said, we listen to the deeper meanings and really hear.  This gives our partner a gift of accepting them as they are.

If used correctly, the feedback loop has powerful results.  Considering that most of us simultaneously crave and fear emotional intimacy, using this tool is both exciting and terrifying.  It can help us develop or deepen trust, emotional security and more intimate communication.  In relationships with any type of codependency it will help us to become more fully independent and thereby capable of a richer and deeper mature love.  

This week I invite you to give it a try.

Homework

During the next week, each partner should attempt to use the feedback loop at least once as it is written.  Most importantly, sit with your discomfort of not being allowed to reply for a full 24 hours.  Just this one time the only deviation from the written feedback loop that you can make is, "Thank you for trusting me with this important information."

Class Schedule

Next week and the following week Todd will lead the group discussion during the Sunday School hour.  Part of that discussion will be reporting on your experience with the feedback loop.

On March 13 we will have our next dinner session at our house.  

March 20 we will not have a formal class because it is Spring Break.

We are still set to finish up classes by the end of April.

Love Language

If you do a google search you will find lots of hits for Love Language Quiz.  I am linking this one because - although the website is quite silly - it includes an explanation of what the languages mean that doesn't require you reading several books.  

Communication and other Good Stuff

Thanks for making time to attend this week's class and potluck.  It really helps to have more than 30 minutes for a class.  Thank you also for sharing so honestly and openly.  I hope you benefitted from hearing others share their experiences.  In particular, I hope you noticed that we all have similar struggles and challenges despite the number of years we've been married.

Creating a Loving Environment with Communication

Communicating with love dovetails beautifully with what we have been discussing about anger hiding a deeper truth, hurt or feeling.  Communication is the means by which we excavate the deeper levels of meaning and share them with each other.  Communication can create safety or insecurity.  In a safe environment we can explore deeper feelings while in an unsafe environment we reinforce the patterns and grooves that most of us are trying to break.

Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse

John Gottman discovered what he calls Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse: Criticism, Conflict, Defensiveness, Stonewalling.  We talked about these tonight and most of us identified a few of these that we use regularly or even infrequently.  We may use these to cover the deeper feelings of hurt, to protect ourselves from the harm we perceive is coming our way, or just out of habit.  Some of us learned these behaviors from our parents or our spouses.  The obvious ways to combat these include identifying 1) that we are using them, 2) why we are using them, and/or 3) what these behaviors are doing for us.  Less obvious strategies include focusing on the positive in our relationships, and remembering what we love about our partners.

Positive to Negative Interactions: An Ideal Ratio

Gottman also found that a ratio of 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction was an indicator of a positive and successful base for a relationship.  As we discussed this evening, there are times when we say something that our partner perceives as a criticism (or other negative) even though that was not our intent.  Honest communication - not feigned or passive/aggressive or behaving like a doormat or with resentment - is the way we express what we want.  It is the way we convey how we feel when we hear something that might not be meant to harm.  This is where "bids for connection" come in.  Is your partner asking for an emotional, physical or spiritual connection?  Are you ignoring it or just not seeing it?  We are responsible to know what we want and communicate it.  As I shared earlier, part of the reason I married was to become a better person - I can't do this alone.  Allow your partner to help you identify and articulate what you want.  This is called accepting influence, and it is another of Gottman's keys to successful relationships.

If, for example, our partner is nagging or repeating a message over and over again it is likely that our partner feels like s/he is not being heard.  Think of ways to break this pattern of communicating.  Remember our goal is to understand (not to be understood).   How can you pause your agenda and emotionally connect with your partner?

Also, be careful not to get lost in the details of the story: the answer is not in the details.  Think about it, most of your arguments are different versions of the same concerns.  Nurture and attend to the feelings that lie beneath the iceberg and the pattern will shift.

Homework

This week we will be making a list (digital or written) of our positive observations of our partner's behavior or essence or being.  Any positive thought, feeling or observation should be written down - a minimum of two per day.  Do not share this with your partner during the week, but bring the list to class with you next Sunday.

Class Business

Our next dinner meeting will be held on Sunday, February 14, 2016.  

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