Feedback Loop

The Power of the Feedback Loop

So far our class theme of Seek to Understand Rather Than to be Understood has been used to remind us to really listen to our partner.  The theme takes on a new meaning as we introduce the feedback loop because it is a tool to help us understand our own feelings and needs better.  This tool also helps us develop tolerance for holding our partner's feelings.  Holding someone else's feelings means sitting with the discomfort of not fixing how they are feeling, not arguing, disagreeing or dismissing.   During class tonight a few of you shared, "my partner will be so excited that all s/he has to say is 'thank you'!"  This reaction has to do with fear of being dismissed.  The feedback loop is not about dismissing!  It is about really and deeply listening and hearing.

Sometimes when we receive a message from our partner we feel defensive and we want to respond.  In the example Todd shared about the air conditioning it would be reasonable for me to want to explain my reasons for turning on the AC or I might want to tell him he's overreacting.  The feedback loop helps us break this pattern.  Instead of starting a fight, we don't.  Instead of dismissing what is said, we listen to the deeper meanings and really hear.  This gives our partner a gift of accepting them as they are.

If used correctly, the feedback loop has powerful results.  Considering that most of us simultaneously crave and fear emotional intimacy, using this tool is both exciting and terrifying.  It can help us develop or deepen trust, emotional security and more intimate communication.  In relationships with any type of codependency it will help us to become more fully independent and thereby capable of a richer and deeper mature love.  

This week I invite you to give it a try.

Homework

During the next week, each partner should attempt to use the feedback loop at least once as it is written.  Most importantly, sit with your discomfort of not being allowed to reply for a full 24 hours.  Just this one time the only deviation from the written feedback loop that you can make is, "Thank you for trusting me with this important information."

Class Schedule

Next week and the following week Todd will lead the group discussion during the Sunday School hour.  Part of that discussion will be reporting on your experience with the feedback loop.

On March 13 we will have our next dinner session at our house.  

March 20 we will not have a formal class because it is Spring Break.

We are still set to finish up classes by the end of April.

Love Language

If you do a google search you will find lots of hits for Love Language Quiz.  I am linking this one because - although the website is quite silly - it includes an explanation of what the languages mean that doesn't require you reading several books.  

The Antidote to the Four Horsemen

Homework

1. Work on one or two of the communication techniques listed below during the week.

2. Write down and then compliment and/or offer genuine praise to your partner once each day.  Notice if it feels different for you to tell them the nice things you're observing compared to last week when you didn't tell them.  How does it feel for you to receive praise each day vs. once at the end of the week?

Communication Techniques

• Be interested and attentive (put the phone down).  Remember, just because you think you are interested and attentive, doesn't mean your partner views your behavior the same way.  Ask for and listen to your partner's feedback.
• maintain eye contact
• nod your head 
• mirror your partner's body language (if appropriate)
• Ask questions.  Show that you are noticing your partner: "You seem upset, is something bothering you?"  "Lately I've seen you come home and go straight to bed, have you been feeling differently?"
• Listen actively - ask follow up questions, show interest, avoid interrupting
• Share intentions - Make it clear that the reason you are bringing up a particular topic is because you want to strengthen your connection to your partner.  Or perhaps you want to resolve an issue that is impacting your parenting.  A statement like, "I need to bring up a tough topic for us (perhaps finances, sex and intimacy, in-laws, parenting) because I think talking about it will help us work together better as a team.  Or, I need to say this because I notice I have a lot of feelings about it.  I want to share it with you instead of holding on to my anger.
• Use "I" statements - we will practice this more in class, but the key is not blaming the other person.  Avoid, "you always" and "you never"
• Speak non-defensively and agree with the truth.  When our faults are pointed out it is often a natural reaction to defend ourselves.   This key technique suggests that we agree with the truth when we hear it.  This might start simply: "I hadn't thought of it that way."  "I see what you're saying and I need to consider it."  "You're right, and I can see I need to work on this."
• Give honest praise.  (See homework item 2)
• Clearly state preferences - this is different from "sharing intentions."  This means knowing what you want from the conversation.  Would you like the conversation to lead to a hug, a listening ear, both?  A sense of closeness, to blow off steam, help solving a problem, action?  Would you like to know the point of the conversation up front?  Would you prefer to be connected with and praised a bit before being asked for a favor?  Take the time to get clear on what you want: if you don't know, your partner won't know either.