Communication and other Good Stuff

Thanks for making time to attend this week's class and potluck.  It really helps to have more than 30 minutes for a class.  Thank you also for sharing so honestly and openly.  I hope you benefitted from hearing others share their experiences.  In particular, I hope you noticed that we all have similar struggles and challenges despite the number of years we've been married.

Creating a Loving Environment with Communication

Communicating with love dovetails beautifully with what we have been discussing about anger hiding a deeper truth, hurt or feeling.  Communication is the means by which we excavate the deeper levels of meaning and share them with each other.  Communication can create safety or insecurity.  In a safe environment we can explore deeper feelings while in an unsafe environment we reinforce the patterns and grooves that most of us are trying to break.

Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse

John Gottman discovered what he calls Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse: Criticism, Conflict, Defensiveness, Stonewalling.  We talked about these tonight and most of us identified a few of these that we use regularly or even infrequently.  We may use these to cover the deeper feelings of hurt, to protect ourselves from the harm we perceive is coming our way, or just out of habit.  Some of us learned these behaviors from our parents or our spouses.  The obvious ways to combat these include identifying 1) that we are using them, 2) why we are using them, and/or 3) what these behaviors are doing for us.  Less obvious strategies include focusing on the positive in our relationships, and remembering what we love about our partners.

Positive to Negative Interactions: An Ideal Ratio

Gottman also found that a ratio of 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction was an indicator of a positive and successful base for a relationship.  As we discussed this evening, there are times when we say something that our partner perceives as a criticism (or other negative) even though that was not our intent.  Honest communication - not feigned or passive/aggressive or behaving like a doormat or with resentment - is the way we express what we want.  It is the way we convey how we feel when we hear something that might not be meant to harm.  This is where "bids for connection" come in.  Is your partner asking for an emotional, physical or spiritual connection?  Are you ignoring it or just not seeing it?  We are responsible to know what we want and communicate it.  As I shared earlier, part of the reason I married was to become a better person - I can't do this alone.  Allow your partner to help you identify and articulate what you want.  This is called accepting influence, and it is another of Gottman's keys to successful relationships.

If, for example, our partner is nagging or repeating a message over and over again it is likely that our partner feels like s/he is not being heard.  Think of ways to break this pattern of communicating.  Remember our goal is to understand (not to be understood).   How can you pause your agenda and emotionally connect with your partner?

Also, be careful not to get lost in the details of the story: the answer is not in the details.  Think about it, most of your arguments are different versions of the same concerns.  Nurture and attend to the feelings that lie beneath the iceberg and the pattern will shift.

Homework

This week we will be making a list (digital or written) of our positive observations of our partner's behavior or essence or being.  Any positive thought, feeling or observation should be written down - a minimum of two per day.  Do not share this with your partner during the week, but bring the list to class with you next Sunday.

Class Business

Our next dinner meeting will be held on Sunday, February 14, 2016.  

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What lies beneath the anger? (Homework for January 31, 2016)

Anger and the Iceberg

Sometimes anger is what rests at the top of an iceberg of emotions.  Beneath the ocean of our emotional existence many other feelings dwell.  Some of those feelings - such as jealousy, vulnerability, powerlessness, worthlessness, depression, fear, sadness - are so uncomfortable or unfamiliar to us that we make an effort to avoid them.  Many of us were, in fact, taught to avoid or ignore them because those around us didn't know what to do with them either.

We learned from the Eight Basic Emotions chart that Anger is felt as energy throughout the body. What better emotion to channel when we are overwhelmed by a heavier/draining emotion such as sadness or depression?

As you consider your personal anger it is incredibly valuable to identify the source - the bottom of the iceberg, as it were.  By identifying the truer feeling behind the angry behaviors we can learn to soothe, reassure and heal the parts of us that hurt.

Image taken from this website 

Personal Example

In our marriage there have been times when we have been startled by a reaction to a seemingly benign statement.  For example: a few years ago our good friends moved to China to work for three years.  I miss them and wanted to maintain the friendship by showing our willingness to visit them.  While I've not ever wanted to go to China, I thought it might be worth trying since we had friends there.  I also thought Todd might be interested in seeing that part of the world.  Factor in that Todd and I like to travel and every few years we take a big trip.  So I said, "Todd, would you ever be interested in going to Shanghai to visit our friends?"  I'm not sure what the timing was - we were probably driving in the car somewhere.  Todd bristled.  He was silent for a beat or two and then said something like, "yeah, us and the Rockefellers."  Then I got mad because Todd always (we will talk about the word ALWAYS later) thinks I'm trying to spend HIS money (we will talk about that skewed statement too).

As we employed our marriage class tools we realized that Todd was feeling "less than" when he reacted defensively (with anger dressed as passive aggression).  He took my question as evidence that he doesn't make enough money and evidence that I am dissatisfied with and callous to our financial reality.

This awareness allowed us to talk about his feelings, my feelings, and the truth.  As we sought to understand the other person (as well as our own personal feelings), we were able to talk about the real issue, which is not a trip to China, but our views and expectations of our financial landscape.

Homework

This week your homework is to find one moment (minimum) when your feelings of anger (remember that anger is often a range of feelings that may start with aggravation or resentment and end with rage) are employed to protect a feeling that you wish you didn't have (see the list in the first paragraph above).

Also, I shared a handout with you and would love for you to fill that out to identify resources for coping with emotions and reining in unwanted angry feelings.

Please read Chapter 2 of the class manual.

External Validation

In addition to the link under the image above, here is another external link about anger and the iceberg, it's not that great, but I feel validated!!
__________________________________________

Class Business

Sunday we will meet at 6:30pm and move into the Communication section of class.  In this new section we will learn valuable tools for connecting with our partner and children as well as ways to better navigate the emotional icebergs we have been discussing.

I will make pork carnitas.  Bring a side dish (corn tortillas, grated cheese, salad?) or dessert or drink...if you want to list what you'll bring in the comments section below, that would be awesome.

Homework Due 24 January 2016

This week we talked about anger.  

The manual has several excellent ideas for handling anger in Chapter 4.   The key ideas are 1) Diffuse anger provoking thoughts, 2) Get out of anger provoking situations, 3) Identify and engage in calming activities, 4) Share underlying feelings, 5) Seek spiritual change.  

All of these are useful tools and can be engaged as needed.  It is important however to be wary of relying too heavily on just one of these tools.  For example, if we always duck out of situations where anger is rising, we miss opportunities to learn about and heal the feelings that underlie anger.  We may also lose the gift of humility that comes from learning to rely on the Spirit for change.  

At the end of class today we spoke briefly about the likelihood that there are often tender feelings at play when strong emotions like anger or hurt emerge.  As we learn to recognize these feelings we are better equipped to connect more fully with ourselves and with our partners.  

Imagine what would happen if you were able to say, "I am feeling vulnerable right now" instead of, "you don't love me and I'm sick of your behavior."  We will be exploring this in the coming weeks.

Some examples of these tender feelings include: vulnerability, fear of rejection/not being good enough, feelings of worthlessness (this might be shame and it takes many forms), disappointment, sadness...what tender feelings are you protecting?

Keep in mind the class theme of seeking to understand instead of trying to be understood.  Are you listening?

The homework is:

• Consider the Venn diagrams that Todd shared today.  Todd asked how we want to intersect with our partners.  This is the conversation we need to have with each other this week: how much do  we want to intersect on issues such as finances, intimacy, parenting, recreation, socializing... 
• Use the Anger Log and the Anger Cycle worksheet to more fully explore your anger (or other strong feelings).
• Take some time to think about what tender feelings you might be protecting with stronger and more acceptable emotions.
• Read Chapter 4 if you haven't
• Complete and turn in your assessments if you haven't

Homework Due 17 January 2016

This week we have been working on understanding our anger.  I passed out several handouts last week and all of them are available either as links on the right or as links in this page.

In addition, I've linked some thought provoking articles on anger here, and here.  An article by Gary Brainerd, PhD called Nature's Plan for Emotional Healing might also be of interest to you.

The homework this week is:

1. Read Chapter 4 in the Strengthening Marriage manual
2. Record at least one instance on the Anger Log
3. Review and fill in most or all of the "Identifying Anger Cycle" handout
4. Take a look at the Eight Basic Emotions Handout and think about it.  Is any of this information new? Useful? Interesting? 
5. Take a look at the Your Own Emotion & Carried Chart and think about it.  Do you have questions or thoughts to discuss with your partner or in class?  

Last week's homework, if not already completed is:

1. Complete the two assessments, place in a manila envelope with your name on the outside, and return to Kristen
2. Read Chapter 1
3. Review class rules (posted in the earlier blog entries)

Homework Week of January 3, 2016

1.  Read Chapter 1 of the Student Manual
2.  Complete the Assessment forms  (See right column for links to these documents)

• Please place your completed assessment forms in the manila envelopes I will drop off at your house this week.  Label the envelopes with your name.
• Do not share your assessment with your spouse, these will be kept confidential

In the October 2015 General Conference Robert D. Hales said, "None of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she—who’s going to be my companion—wants and needs me to be."  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/meeting-the-challenges-of-todays-world?lang=eng

Tentative Class Schedule

January 2016

3rd   | Introduction

10th | Assessments

17th | Emotions/Anger

24th | Anger

           Dinner Meeting at Morefield's 6:30-9:00pm

31st | Stake Conference

February 2016

7th | Anger/Feedback Loop

14th | Special Stake Conference Broadcast from Salt Lake

           Dinner Meeting at the Morefield's 6:30-9:00pm

21st | Ward Conference (no class)

28th | Process group with Todd

March 2016

6th | Communication; I messages

13th | Communication (Time Change)

           Dinner at the Morefields 6-8:30pm

20th | Spring Break (informal class meeting)

27th | Building Unity/Conflict Resolution (EASTER)

April 2016

3rd | General  Conference

10th | Conflict Resolution

           (Possible dinner meeting?)

17th | Increasing Unity

24th | Review

Welcome

Thank you for joining our Marriage Enhancement class.  Over the next few weeks and months we will focus on developing skills that are proven to improve marital satisfaction.  These are:

·      Communication Skills	·      Conflict Resolution
·      Identifying Emotions	·      Overcoming Anger
·      Increasing Unity	·      Enriching Marriage

Theme

Seek to understand rather than to be understood

Resources

We will be using several resources including Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples manual published by LDS Family Services.  You will be given a complimentary copy of this resource and some of our homework may come from this book.

We will also use materials from the field of Marriage and Family Therapy, articles, and other resources from print and online sources. 

Many have found it helpful to bring a notebook and pen to class.

Time Commitment

Our class is designed to meet for two-three hours a week for 8 weeks.  We have modified the class to meet during the 30-40 minute Sunday School hour and so we will meet for 12 weeks.  Once per month we will have a dinner meeting at the Morefield’s home.  This meeting will last about 2 hours.

Please plan to attend all sessions.  Please be on time to class.

Rules & Roles

 We spent our first class session determining these rules, which are: 

1. Confidentiality is key.  What we share and what we hear should stay in the room.  If you find yourself talking about someone else's problems, please remember that this is usually a way to avoid addressing your own concerns.
2. Commitment - please plan to attend all of the classes.  If you can't make it to a class, please let us know in advance.
3. Punctuality - our sessions are very brief and sometimes we just get rolling when we have to stop, so please come straight from Sacrament Meeting.
4. Closed Group - we agreed that visiting family members and couples who want to join after the second session will not be permitted to participate in order to preserve the group dynamic.
5. No teasing.  We want to be careful to preserve a friendly and casual environment that fosters openness.  Teasing is bringing up a weakness or embarrassing personal information that someone shared as a vulnerability.  We will be careful to address teasing as it occurs.
6. Share to your level of comfort.
7. Allow others to finish their thoughts without interruption. 

     Roles - Kristen is the primary instructor for this class and has been set apart for this purpose.  However, without Todd, Kristen would be nothing!  Therefore, Todd will participate as a teaching assistant.  He will share his experience and lead some discussions.

Contact Information

We will communicate by email, text and blog between classes.  Please contact us between sessions to share your specific concerns.

Kristen: 818-406-2606; morefieldmom@gmail.com

Todd: 818-800-7342; leptalbldgs@gmail.com