The Antidote to the Four Horsemen

Homework

1. Work on one or two of the communication techniques listed below during the week.

2. Write down and then compliment and/or offer genuine praise to your partner once each day.  Notice if it feels different for you to tell them the nice things you're observing compared to last week when you didn't tell them.  How does it feel for you to receive praise each day vs. once at the end of the week?

Communication Techniques

• Be interested and attentive (put the phone down).  Remember, just because you think you are interested and attentive, doesn't mean your partner views your behavior the same way.  Ask for and listen to your partner's feedback.
• maintain eye contact
• nod your head 
• mirror your partner's body language (if appropriate)
• Ask questions.  Show that you are noticing your partner: "You seem upset, is something bothering you?"  "Lately I've seen you come home and go straight to bed, have you been feeling differently?"
• Listen actively - ask follow up questions, show interest, avoid interrupting
• Share intentions - Make it clear that the reason you are bringing up a particular topic is because you want to strengthen your connection to your partner.  Or perhaps you want to resolve an issue that is impacting your parenting.  A statement like, "I need to bring up a tough topic for us (perhaps finances, sex and intimacy, in-laws, parenting) because I think talking about it will help us work together better as a team.  Or, I need to say this because I notice I have a lot of feelings about it.  I want to share it with you instead of holding on to my anger.
• Use "I" statements - we will practice this more in class, but the key is not blaming the other person.  Avoid, "you always" and "you never"
• Speak non-defensively and agree with the truth.  When our faults are pointed out it is often a natural reaction to defend ourselves.   This key technique suggests that we agree with the truth when we hear it.  This might start simply: "I hadn't thought of it that way."  "I see what you're saying and I need to consider it."  "You're right, and I can see I need to work on this."
• Give honest praise.  (See homework item 2)
• Clearly state preferences - this is different from "sharing intentions."  This means knowing what you want from the conversation.  Would you like the conversation to lead to a hug, a listening ear, both?  A sense of closeness, to blow off steam, help solving a problem, action?  Would you like to know the point of the conversation up front?  Would you prefer to be connected with and praised a bit before being asked for a favor?  Take the time to get clear on what you want: if you don't know, your partner won't know either.