What lies beneath the anger? (Homework for January 31, 2016)

Anger and the Iceberg

Sometimes anger is what rests at the top of an iceberg of emotions.  Beneath the ocean of our emotional existence many other feelings dwell.  Some of those feelings - such as jealousy, vulnerability, powerlessness, worthlessness, depression, fear, sadness - are so uncomfortable or unfamiliar to us that we make an effort to avoid them.  Many of us were, in fact, taught to avoid or ignore them because those around us didn't know what to do with them either.

We learned from the Eight Basic Emotions chart that Anger is felt as energy throughout the body. What better emotion to channel when we are overwhelmed by a heavier/draining emotion such as sadness or depression?

As you consider your personal anger it is incredibly valuable to identify the source - the bottom of the iceberg, as it were.  By identifying the truer feeling behind the angry behaviors we can learn to soothe, reassure and heal the parts of us that hurt.

Image taken from this website 

Personal Example

In our marriage there have been times when we have been startled by a reaction to a seemingly benign statement.  For example: a few years ago our good friends moved to China to work for three years.  I miss them and wanted to maintain the friendship by showing our willingness to visit them.  While I've not ever wanted to go to China, I thought it might be worth trying since we had friends there.  I also thought Todd might be interested in seeing that part of the world.  Factor in that Todd and I like to travel and every few years we take a big trip.  So I said, "Todd, would you ever be interested in going to Shanghai to visit our friends?"  I'm not sure what the timing was - we were probably driving in the car somewhere.  Todd bristled.  He was silent for a beat or two and then said something like, "yeah, us and the Rockefellers."  Then I got mad because Todd always (we will talk about the word ALWAYS later) thinks I'm trying to spend HIS money (we will talk about that skewed statement too).

As we employed our marriage class tools we realized that Todd was feeling "less than" when he reacted defensively (with anger dressed as passive aggression).  He took my question as evidence that he doesn't make enough money and evidence that I am dissatisfied with and callous to our financial reality.

This awareness allowed us to talk about his feelings, my feelings, and the truth.  As we sought to understand the other person (as well as our own personal feelings), we were able to talk about the real issue, which is not a trip to China, but our views and expectations of our financial landscape.

Homework

This week your homework is to find one moment (minimum) when your feelings of anger (remember that anger is often a range of feelings that may start with aggravation or resentment and end with rage) are employed to protect a feeling that you wish you didn't have (see the list in the first paragraph above).

Also, I shared a handout with you and would love for you to fill that out to identify resources for coping with emotions and reining in unwanted angry feelings.

Please read Chapter 2 of the class manual.

External Validation

In addition to the link under the image above, here is another external link about anger and the iceberg, it's not that great, but I feel validated!!
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Class Business

Sunday we will meet at 6:30pm and move into the Communication section of class.  In this new section we will learn valuable tools for connecting with our partner and children as well as ways to better navigate the emotional icebergs we have been discussing.

I will make pork carnitas.  Bring a side dish (corn tortillas, grated cheese, salad?) or dessert or drink...if you want to list what you'll bring in the comments section below, that would be awesome.